I'm Rubber Your Glue...Confrontation in the Workplace

It is painful for me to admit, but my aptitude for navigating stressful situations hasn’t seemed to evolve past my prehistoric sisters. When faced with confrontation, I have two go-to responses, fight or flight and I seemingly have no control over which one wins the internal battle. Now, if I found myself faced with the threat of a saber-tooth mauling, I’d be ok with this; but, when it come to taking on your average workplace conflict, blind, instinctual action has not worked well for me.

I have always been the person that finds herself in a conflict and responds with silence and the first exit out or irrational, obscene screaming. Either way, I ultimately regret what I did or did not say and end up stewing over the incident until I finally come up with a perfect comeback. These comebacks usually consist of a totally sane, rational message based on true facts and actual events, wrapped in a flawless delivery that exudes both grace and confidence as to convey that I am calm and collected but I still mean business. However, it is always thought up in vain because naturally my stroke of genius doesn’t hit me until days after the incident and saying any of it then would make me look far more insane than my initial reaction did.
Now, whether you can sympathize with my primitive conflict management skills or you have opposable thumb, walk upright and haven’t found this post to be anything but humorous, the fact is, the fight-or-flight response originated with the caveman because stressful confrontation has been around since the dawn of man. With a consistency record of forty thousand years, give-or-take, I think it’s safe to assume avoiding conflict and confrontation for the rest of my life isn’t going to suffice.
So, below I have listed a few tips and hints I am going to put into practice when it comes to handling conflicts.

1. Remain calm, confrontation can be stressful and boost anxiety, but nothing productive will come from acting on emotion (you only need to be escorted out of your office building one time to learn this lesson).
2. Don’t get defensive; whether you believe the confrontation is just or not, becoming overtly defensive signals that you are uncooperative and dismissive of your confronter’s concern.
3. Instead ask this one question WHY? ex.) Tell me why you don’t think I am a team player?  Why do you believe I sold outside of my territory?  Why are you feeling misled by my email?  Can you tell me why is my performance is subpar?

Asking "why" is a universal comeback that accomplish 2 things for you:

• Chances are your confronter is also stressed and experiencing anxiety, when you ask “why” it will let them know that you hear them, you acknowledge their concern, and you want to know more about it. Meeting their concern with a level of understanding and cooperation will lower their level of emotion and reduce tension, making working through the conflict much less nerve-racking. 
• It follows the thought process of “the best defense is a good offense”…keep them talking and force them to make a valid case against you first. Don’t spring into action and start aimlessly defending yourself. Get the details! Once you know the root of the issues, respond according. 

4. Hopefully your confrontation was just a misunderstanding or miscommunication that was resolved with a simple explanation, BUT on the off chance you really did make poor decision, mistake, misstep, error, blunder, etc., admit it, take responsibility, thank your confronter for bringing it to your attention, accept the consequences and most importantly learn from it. Much like confrontation, mistake making is an innate, unavoidable part of life. Embrace it, to quote my mom quoting, Oprah quoting, Maya Angelou “When you know better you do better.” 

Now that you have tackled conflict, click the button below to download the free whitepaper on Building a Powerful Attitude for Sales